Bullyproof

When I was 7 years old I was beaten by the neighborhood bully. His name was Brian and he was about 12 and in 6th grade. I remember him vividly to this day, 35 years later. He knocked me off my bike, kicked me, hit me, laughing the whole time. Then he picked me up and slammed my head into the side of a central air unit. I saw stars as I staggered home. One side of my face was black and blue and swollen. I remember my mother making my father take me down the street to Brian’s house to show his parents what he’d done to me. As we turned to leave I saw Brian’s father take off his belt as he slammed the door shut. Years later, in middle school, I found out Brian was in prison for attempted murder.

Bullies aren’t just on the schoolyard anymore. They are in workplaces, in organizations, and even online.The problem is growing and in some cases is deadly. In 2003, 13-year-old Ryan Halligan killed himself after being tormented repeatedly by bullies, and we’ve all heard Megan Meier’s story. Bullying, cyber and otherwise, causes great damage to its victims. It destroys self-esteem, erodes trust and can cause deep depression and anxiety, and it’s not just kids and teens who are affected. Adults bully and are bullied too.

I know this because it happened to me, and I will be 43 in a few months. It happened in 2009. The bullies were grown women. Why did they do it? I really have no idea. What I do know is that I was set up, lied about, and had my credibility and reputation destroyed. I was ridiculed and berated and lost many friends-or at least I thought they were friends. I removed myself from Facebook’s directory to protect myself. After several months of quiet I thought it would be safe to return and within a few days I started getting friend requests from people I didn’t know with nasty messages attached. I promptly removed myself again for a few month. When I returned the second time, I was left alone.

I can’t speak for all bullying victims but I can tell you that it has caused me to fear for my safety and caused me to insulate myself. It’s made me anxious and depressed and totally destroyed my self esteem and my trust in people. I take some comfort in knowing I am not alone. Here is another woman’s story.

Why do people bully? Well some experts say its because they are deeply unhappy in their own lives and bullying others makes them feel better about themselves. Others say bullies are people that have been bullied themselves or were abused, and still others feel bullies have a personality disorder or other mental illness.

Whatever the cause, know this. If you’ve been or currently are the victim of a bully, you did nothing to deserve it. No one deserves to be bullied, tormented and abused for any reason. Period. So how do you deal with bullies? First, don’t respond to them. Although our natural instinct is to defend ourselves, it doesn’t work with a bully. It just adds fuel to the fire. Ignore them as best you can. If they are sending you emails, IM’s, text messages or any other digital communications, block them. If it’s happening in the workplace talk to a supervisor or human resources, and if you’re a kid, please tell your parents, a favorite teacher or other trusted adult. They are there to help, I promise. Oh and if the communications get threatening please contact your local police department. Cyberbullying laws are now in affect in many states and will soon be in many more.

The BBC has a website called Bullyproof that is full of tips and support. Check it out and learn how to protect yourself from bullies. The bullies may think they have the power, but in reality they have nothing. If you’ve been the victim of a bully (school, workplace, cyber or any other kind), you’re not alone and I invite you to share your story.